Paper Journal entry from Sept 5/07
I was wasting time this evening looking thru old videotapes and felt like I was wasting time and that I should be praying. I wasn’t enthused about the idea but shut off the TV and went to the living nonetheless. My typical thought was to pray but I couldn’t think of what to say. Bible reading seemed out too. I teared up and I don’t know why. I ended up just sitting. Not making requests or talking about my thoughts or feelings or how my day went. I fingered the cover of my Bible but didn’t open it. I did not let my mind wander and daydream. I just…was.
I have heard it said that we are human beings not human doings. By we live as though we need always to be doing and we bring this in our relationship with God. We talk to Him and make requests, we read our Bibles, we sing, we ponder, and all this has its place. But I got the distinct impression tonight that God just wanted to be with me. Just to be. Just to sit in each other’s presence and focus on each other, without words, without gestures, without volumes of information being exchanged, just to be.
It was kind of hard. I can sit and daydream or consider a problem but to just sit still and focus on something without evaluating or measuring or setting off on some other chain of thoughts – well, that was new and felt a bit odd. Yet I could identify with God’s desire. I have often thought that, should I ever find a mate, I should like very much every so often to just be with him. Not talking or doing something but just sitting and looking and being.
So then God’s desire is not so hard to grasp. I just wonder why He wants to be with me. The thought of being and not producing is foreign but if that’s how I view this relationship, it will never reach the depths of intimacy that I want in it. And I will never understand God’s love nor His grace. Grace is undeserved. The Creator of the universe wanting to do nothing and do it with me. That’s an undeserved privilege.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Saturday, February 16, 2008
Getting What You Want
Psalm 37:4 says “Delight yourself also in the LORD and He shall give you the desires of your heart.” So often I believe, Christian thinking on this verse goes something like, “If I read the Bible and pray and go to church and give ten percent and keep my temper and be kind, then God will give me that thing I really want” like a spouse, children, this job, that home, protection from misfortune, healing from disease, emotional stability etc.
But that is not what that verse means at all. Think of it. “Delight yourself also in the LORD”. What does it mean to delight in God? Well, what does it mean to delight in another person? If I am in love with a man, I am interested in him, his thoughts and desires. I want to know what pleases him so that I can do that thing and so bring him pleasure. If his desire is inconvenient for me, I still try to get to know it and to support its fulfillment, because I am delighted with him and what is important to him is important to me. What would it look like if I were to say in my heart, “I will spent time with him and listen to him and laugh at his jokes and let him pick the movie because if I do that then I can get him to do the stuff that I want.” That seems manipulative and not loving at all. That seems like I don’t really care about him, I’m just using him to get what I want.
It’s the same thing with God. If we delight ourselves in the LORD, that means we get to know Him without strings attached. We explore Him and obey Him for the sake of loving Him. And we find that, instead of being disappointed because our desires are not met (and let’s be real - often they are not), we find that God has changed our desires, to reflect His. Then, because we truly want what He wants, He is delighted to give us our desires.
What keeps that from being manipulation on God’s part is the simple fact that He is God and God is good. His will is perfect, His understanding is unfathomable, His power is limitless and He loves us. He can see the end from the beginning and He knows when that thing that I am hung up on will not do me good even though I am convinced it would. He knows what is truly important, when I am blinded by my own small thinking.
I have been enjoying intimate fellowship with God lately and He has been illustrating the truth of this verse to me. Today, for example: There is a person that I care about and want desperately to spend time with. I had hoped to be able to do so this evening, yet I was thwarted and instead, found myself alone in the chapel, crying to God about it and some other things that were burdening my heart. I was so disappointed to not be with that person, yet I was not bitter. In the quiet and raw vulnerability of that moment, God was showing me a better way: that there are important things in life and as I was expressing myself regarding those other issues, I felt in my soul a deep desire regarding them that I had had not felt before and I truly wanted something that was certainly God’s will, which had previously not been y will.
And as for my desire for that person, I understood in my soul that it was better for me to be with God tonight then it was for me to be with someone else. That was God’s will for me and, even though I was sad, I was truly grateful.
I think that verse means that if we delight ourselves in God, He transforms our desires so that the thing that we desire above everything else is His will. All the other things we want, no matter how badly we want them, take a backseat to God’s will and we are made glad to have it so. I used to think following Christ meant living a life of drudgery and disappointment. I am now discovering that it is freeing and peaceful. It may not be well with my circumstances but, as the hymnist put it: “It is well with my soul.”
But that is not what that verse means at all. Think of it. “Delight yourself also in the LORD”. What does it mean to delight in God? Well, what does it mean to delight in another person? If I am in love with a man, I am interested in him, his thoughts and desires. I want to know what pleases him so that I can do that thing and so bring him pleasure. If his desire is inconvenient for me, I still try to get to know it and to support its fulfillment, because I am delighted with him and what is important to him is important to me. What would it look like if I were to say in my heart, “I will spent time with him and listen to him and laugh at his jokes and let him pick the movie because if I do that then I can get him to do the stuff that I want.” That seems manipulative and not loving at all. That seems like I don’t really care about him, I’m just using him to get what I want.
It’s the same thing with God. If we delight ourselves in the LORD, that means we get to know Him without strings attached. We explore Him and obey Him for the sake of loving Him. And we find that, instead of being disappointed because our desires are not met (and let’s be real - often they are not), we find that God has changed our desires, to reflect His. Then, because we truly want what He wants, He is delighted to give us our desires.
What keeps that from being manipulation on God’s part is the simple fact that He is God and God is good. His will is perfect, His understanding is unfathomable, His power is limitless and He loves us. He can see the end from the beginning and He knows when that thing that I am hung up on will not do me good even though I am convinced it would. He knows what is truly important, when I am blinded by my own small thinking.
I have been enjoying intimate fellowship with God lately and He has been illustrating the truth of this verse to me. Today, for example: There is a person that I care about and want desperately to spend time with. I had hoped to be able to do so this evening, yet I was thwarted and instead, found myself alone in the chapel, crying to God about it and some other things that were burdening my heart. I was so disappointed to not be with that person, yet I was not bitter. In the quiet and raw vulnerability of that moment, God was showing me a better way: that there are important things in life and as I was expressing myself regarding those other issues, I felt in my soul a deep desire regarding them that I had had not felt before and I truly wanted something that was certainly God’s will, which had previously not been y will.
And as for my desire for that person, I understood in my soul that it was better for me to be with God tonight then it was for me to be with someone else. That was God’s will for me and, even though I was sad, I was truly grateful.
I think that verse means that if we delight ourselves in God, He transforms our desires so that the thing that we desire above everything else is His will. All the other things we want, no matter how badly we want them, take a backseat to God’s will and we are made glad to have it so. I used to think following Christ meant living a life of drudgery and disappointment. I am now discovering that it is freeing and peaceful. It may not be well with my circumstances but, as the hymnist put it: “It is well with my soul.”
Monday, February 11, 2008
Quitting my Job and Taking the Next Step
I resigned my position as Director of Community Life at Booth College and have been accepted to attend a YWAM DTS (Youth with a Mission Discipleship Training School) in India this July.
I chose YWAM because it focuses on growing Christians in community which is something I have sorely lacked over the last several years. I have lived and worked in a more isolated state than is healthy and I am looking forward very much to living and working and learning with a group of people over several months. I enjoyed a taste of that kind of living on my trip to Mexico with a group from my church in July '06. I spent two weeks with 35 other people 24/7 and it was such a good thing.
I also chose YWAM because I'm wanting to adopt a simpler lifestyle with fewer possessions. So I will be getting rid of the bulk of my stuff in the upcoming months instead of storing it. I don't intend on coming back to Winnipeg or even Canada any time soon so those things would be better off being used by someone else rather than sitting in a storage locker, racking up bills.
I chose India because I want a cross-cultural expereince. I have some awareness of India through reports I recieve from organization that I support such as Gospel for Asia (http://www.gospelforasia.org/) and Voice of the Martyrs (http://www.persecution.net/). Also, India in an inexpensive place to live and so it will cost me significantly less to attend a DTS there then say, Australia or Europe.
I chose YWAM because it focuses on growing Christians in community which is something I have sorely lacked over the last several years. I have lived and worked in a more isolated state than is healthy and I am looking forward very much to living and working and learning with a group of people over several months. I enjoyed a taste of that kind of living on my trip to Mexico with a group from my church in July '06. I spent two weeks with 35 other people 24/7 and it was such a good thing.
I also chose YWAM because I'm wanting to adopt a simpler lifestyle with fewer possessions. So I will be getting rid of the bulk of my stuff in the upcoming months instead of storing it. I don't intend on coming back to Winnipeg or even Canada any time soon so those things would be better off being used by someone else rather than sitting in a storage locker, racking up bills.
I chose India because I want a cross-cultural expereince. I have some awareness of India through reports I recieve from organization that I support such as Gospel for Asia (http://www.gospelforasia.org/) and Voice of the Martyrs (http://www.persecution.net/). Also, India in an inexpensive place to live and so it will cost me significantly less to attend a DTS there then say, Australia or Europe.
Thursday, February 7, 2008
Love Languages and Kingdom Building
I was complaining to God the other night that I didn't feel loved by him. Awhile back I read the book "Love Languages" and I think my language is quality time. I enjoy gifts and words of affirmation and physical touch but spending time with someone I care about is what really makes me feel cared for. I'm usually always conscious of God's presence so you would think I would always feel loved by Him but my preception of Him is often that He is there but He's just sitting there looking at me. Like the fish in the aquarium doesn't feel loved by the person on the other side of the glass.
Anyway, I've been having an email conversation with an atheist about evolution, and I was thinking about it yesterday, what I might say next, what the problems with the theory are. The thoughts were just coming to me and it hit me. I was spending quality time with God. He was there with me, and not just looking at me but interacting with me - it was him giving the thoughts I was having. That was Him showing me love, by spending time with me.
In the book "Captivating" the author talks about how women long to play an inportant role in something great but they want to do it with their man, not on their own. What I am doing in this conversation is evangelism - the whole point is to try to help the guy understand that the Bible is a reliable document so that I can share the gospel. That's an important task and I'm not doing it on my own - I am getting insight and discernment from God. We are doing this task of kingdom building together. That's love from God, I just didn't recognize it before.
Anyway, I've been having an email conversation with an atheist about evolution, and I was thinking about it yesterday, what I might say next, what the problems with the theory are. The thoughts were just coming to me and it hit me. I was spending quality time with God. He was there with me, and not just looking at me but interacting with me - it was him giving the thoughts I was having. That was Him showing me love, by spending time with me.
In the book "Captivating" the author talks about how women long to play an inportant role in something great but they want to do it with their man, not on their own. What I am doing in this conversation is evangelism - the whole point is to try to help the guy understand that the Bible is a reliable document so that I can share the gospel. That's an important task and I'm not doing it on my own - I am getting insight and discernment from God. We are doing this task of kingdom building together. That's love from God, I just didn't recognize it before.
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